We decided to move out of the house we live in now, the house of Aurélie’s parents.
It’s been good to us, and it helped us a lot, but it’s time to have a place that’s ours.

I decided to take the lead on this. I’ve noticed over the years that I can be easygoing in a way that looks calm from the outside, but often means I step back too much. I let things unfold, I let her decide, and without really meaning to I leave her carrying more than her share.

So I made the calls.
And I felt good doing it. Energized. Proud, even.
I found a place that excited me, and when we went to visit it, it felt right.

Then it didn’t work out.

On the drive back, I went quiet. My head was down, my shoulders dropped, my voice got low. I felt drained, like something had leaked out of me. Aurélie noticed right away and asked what was going on. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know what it was yet.

It took me a while to understand that what I was feeling was disappointment. I hadn’t registered it at first. I just knew my energy was gone.

She tried to support me. She said this is part of the process, that you usually look at a few places before you find one. I could hear her talking, but I couldn’t take it in. A part of me had already decided I had failed, and once that part is in charge, nothing gets in.

A few days later, I started to see what had happened more clearly. The drop in energy, the slumped shoulders, the way I pulled back. I’ve seen this move in myself before. When I make an effort and meet resistance, I tend to retreat. I lose momentum. I tell myself it’s not worth it and wait for the feeling to pass instead of staying engaged.

Seeing it this clearly was uncomfortable. It also felt honest.

This is how it shows up for me. And seeing it gives me a chance to stay present with it instead of disappearing into it.

We’re still looking for a place. I’m still learning how to stay engaged when something matters and doesn’t work right away.

That’s where I am today.

One dad figuring it out, same as you.
​

P.S. Where do you notice yourself pulling back when things get hard?

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