40th letter from Mihai

Tue 19 Aug, 2025 Longemer Lake, Lorraine, France

Hey Reader,

I’m writing from a lake in the Vosges mountains, about an hour from Colmar.

My feet are knee-deep in fresh mountain water. I’m watching people enjoy their holidays: driving small rental boats, swimming, jumping off paddle boats.

A couple just came into the water with a tiny inflatable boat, paddling together. And I think, yes, that’s how a couple should work. Paddling in the same direction. Otherwise it won’t be easy.

Aurélie is taking a nap next to me. I thought it was a good moment to share something from this morning.

It connects with the letter I sent a few days ago, the one about boundaries.

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We had a canyoning trip planned. Canyoning is this fun activity where you put on a wetsuit, go down a river, jump, slide, rappel. We love it, but we don’t do it often. Not many canyons around. And now, with Cléo, we need someone to watch her.

So this date was planned months ago. Aurélie and I take turns planning something special once a month. She planned this one. Booked the canyoning, asked her parents to be with Cléo. We drove an hour and a half to get there.

On the way, we pulled out a present we had received from our Swedish friends: a card game about communication and stories. Where Should We Begin? by Esther Perel. I admire her, I’ve studied some of her work. So this game meant a lot, both because of her and because it came as a gift from friends.

I don’t own many things. But the ones I do, I care about. This game was one of those.

It was our first time playing and the questions brought out stories we hadn’t told each other before.

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The card asked for something surprising, something no one would guess. So Aurélie started sharing one from her time in Berlin. A strong build-up: three new friends, each grieving someone dear, with drugs and a nightclub toilet in the mix. I was following closely.

But I was also driving. And then I noticed her bending the card in her hands.

I said: can you please stop bending the card.

And that was exactly when her story was about to unfold.

She stopped completely.

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For the next half hour, we talked about why I said it. Why I said it like that. Why I couldn’t just hold back.

I never heard the end of her story. Maybe another time.

What came out of our conversation was this: it was partly reflex. I saw it, and it distracted me. It was also about me being attached to the game. I didn’t want it ruined. And I wanted to listen to her story with all my attention. That’s why I spoke up.

There was maybe also that Parent in me: take care of your things. But mostly, I just wanted to be present.

She told me it killed the vibe. And she was right.

---

So here’s the lesson that landed today.

It wasn’t wrong to speak up. The problem was how I did it.

Boundaries need to be expressed. Otherwise they turn into something bigger later. But they need to be expressed respectfully and with good timing.

Aurélie and I then replayed the moment (using the Repair Ritual I talked about in this letter a while back). Tried different ways of saying it.

The simplest change was this: speak in the first person.
Express from “I” instead of “you.”

Not “can you please stop bending the card.” That sounds like an accusation.

But “I get distracted when I see the card being bent.” Or “I’d be able to follow your story better if the card was on the side.”

Still not perfect. But closer.

And no, ‘I get annoyed when you do X’ doesn’t work. That’s still reverting to ‘you,’ and it still sounds like an accusation. Pay attention to how your brain tries to trick you.

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This is something I need to practice: saying what I need without making it about her.

And also knowing when to speak. Not every little thing, but the ones that really drain me.

This way my partner doesn’t have to guess and our kids grow up seeing us express what matters in a clear way.

That’s it for today. I’m by the lake, the sun is warmer, the boats keep passing by.
Feels like time for a swim.
​

Stay rooted,
​Mihai

Wake Up. Live Fully.

​

P.S. I’ve been working on Rooted 21 Challenge these past days. It starts on August 21st and it's only open for one week, so we can go through it as a group. Two dads already signed up with the early bird discount.

If you’re interested, check the link. You’ll get 21 days with stories like this one, with lessons I’ve had to practice, and with actions to help you connect more with your partner.

PPS. I’m also thinking of organizing a village meeting. An online call with some of the dads who read these letters. There are 522 of us now. One-on-one calls have been great, but a group conversation might be even better. If you’d be in, reply and let me know. I’ll set up some dates.

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