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Fri 16 May, 2025
Colmar, France
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Dear Reader,
I want to share something that’s been meaningful to me.
I’m not even sure what the right word is.
It wasn’t some huge insight or dramatic realization. It just landed clearly, quietly, like something inside me started to make sense.
It came from a book I’m reading right now called Keys to the Kingdom by Alison Armstrong.
She’s studied relationships for decades, especially the differences in how men and women relate to each other. How they give. How they show up. How they receive.
It’s the kind of book where every few pages I stop and think, yes, that’s exactly what I’ve been feeling but didn’t have words for.
There’s a part where she talks about the stages of development in men. That part stayed with me too, and I might write about it in another letter.
But what really hit me this week was something else.
Something simple. And heavy.
There’s a difference between deserving and receiving.
And most of us were never taught what that difference really means.
Deserving vs Receiving
Deserving is familiar.
You do something well, you earn something back.
You help, you show up, you work hard, you’re consistent—and then someone says you’ve earned it.
It’s transactional.
That’s the logic we’re most comfortable with. Because that’s what we were raised in. That’s what we were trained to expect.
But receiving is different.
It has nothing to do with effort.
It’s when someone gives you something simply because they want to.
Not because you worked for it or you passed some invisible test.
But because they thought of you and something in them wanted to give.
That’s where things get hard.
Because if we’ve spent our whole lives linking everything good to effort, then when something is offered to us freely, we don’t know what to do with it.
We feel uncomfortable.
We deflect.
We say, “You didn’t have to.”
We start thinking, “Now I owe something back.”
And we miss what’s actually happening.
We miss the gift.
We miss the person giving it.
Because we’re too caught in guilt or unworthiness or the habit of always needing to prove something.
This isn’t just about the gift.
It’s about connection.
When we push away what’s being offered, we often push away the one who offered it too.
We don't do it because we want to, but because we’ve forgotten how to receive.
Where it comes from
I think this begins early.
In childhood.
We grow up with systems built around rewards and punishments.
Finish your plate, you get dessert.
Do your homework, then you can play.
Be good, and you get a reward.
Sit still, you get a sticker.
At first it seems harmless.
But what it teaches is that love, attention, and joy are things you get only after doing something right.
So we start to believe that everything good must be earned.
That unless we’ve behaved a certain way, we don’t really deserve anything.
Even if no one said it out loud, we felt it.
When the approval didn’t come.
When the affection was missing.
Even when love was there, we didn’t always know it was there for free.
We were too busy trying to earn it.
That pattern runs deep.
And we carry it with us into adulthood.
It shows up in how we give, and even more in how we receive.
If we still believe, deep down, that love or support must be earned, then receiving without earning it feels wrong.
It doesn’t match the story we’ve been told.
So we reject it.
How it shows up in parenting
If we’re not careful, we pass the same belief on to our children.
It shows up in reward charts, sticker systems, “be good and Santa will come,” and even in the way we praise.
When we only say “You’re so smart” or “You’re such a good boy,” we’re attaching value to the outcome.
We’re creating an identity they feel they have to protect.
So when they mess up or fail, they don’t just feel like they failed the task.
They feel like they failed as a person.
That’s how a fixed mindset begins.
They stop trying things that might not go well.
They avoid challenge.
Because deep down, they’re afraid that if they don’t perform, they might lose the love.
But we can shift.
We can praise effort, focus, patience.
We can say, “You really stayed with that,” or “I saw how you kept going,” or “You worked through something hard.”
That kind of feedback builds trust in themselves.
It teaches them that love and approval aren’t only for when things go right.
And beyond words, we can show them that they don’t have to earn our love.
That they are already enough.
Not because of grades or they said the right thing, but simply because they’re here.
Learning to receive again
Even if we didn’t grow up hearing that message, we can practice it now.
We can learn it.
We can repair.
It starts by learning to receive again.
That means sitting with the discomfort when someone offers you something.
A compliment.
A gift.
A kind gesture.
An act of love.
And instead of shrinking or deflecting or trying to repay it, you just say thank you.
And you don't do it because you earned it or you finally proved your worth.
You do it because someone thought of you.
Your job in that moment isn’t to give something back.
It’s not to justify it.
It’s not to balance the scales.
It’s to see the gift.
To see the person giving it.
To let it land.
Receiving is not selfish.
Receiving is generous.
Because it creates connection.
When we receive well, we allow the other person to feel seen too.
And we can bring that into our families.
We can let our kids give to us without turning it into a lesson.
We can let our partners take care of us without keeping score.
We can stop tracking.
We can stop turning every gesture into a transaction.
We can just be in the moment.
With the gift.
With the love.
We can remind the people around us that they don’t have to earn our care.
And slowly, we can remind ourselves too.
So maybe this week, instead of doing more or proving more or trying to be better,
you just pause.
And notice what’s already being offered to you.
Maybe someone said something kind, and you brushed it off.
Maybe someone reached out, and it felt easier to say you were fine.
Maybe life gave you a small moment of quiet or beauty or rest, and you moved past it because you didn’t think you deserved it yet.
What if that moment was a gift?
And what if you didn’t need to earn it?
What if there was nothing to give back?
What if the most generous thing you could do was to receive it?
Fully.
You’re here.
You’re breathing.
That’s enough.
Thanks for reading.
Stay rooted,
Mihai
Wake Up. Live Fully.
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